On the climb of a new step
Jamilly Queiroz Vianna
Waking up that morning was not difficult. Something new was starting. A new routine, I could say. But for dreamers like me, a new journey. Everything was ready, delays on the first day are unacceptable. I left the house at the scheduled time so that buses, traffic and other possible factors would not slow me down. I was confident. At every step, given willingly, my thinking did not leave the positive orbit. “It will be all right,” was what I thought, “I won’t do anything stupid”. When I least expect it, a stone, as all languages say, “cut my cock”. I tripped so badly that I laughed at the situation myself. I believe that the day, the destination and the situation only allowed me to laugh at that moment, since no sign of sadness or bad luck would come near me that day. On the bus – always on the bus – my mind started to fly. I imagined the suits and the terms. Thin heels and killers. Rhetoric and lyric. Everything in this world attracted me. Would seeing this world from another perspective make me love it even more or make me pessimistic? My intention was to look closely. See and hear, but above all, feel and understand. After all, a decision had been made, but, as in all youth and ingenuity, the whole scope of it eluded me completely. The location was … different. A different one out of the routine, a new and striking one for eyes as curious as mine. The colors were extremely neutral in all their immensity. Everything followed a pattern. Impartiality. Usually it would bother me, since I believe that the place reflects its inhabitants. It doesn’t matter if there is beauty or not in a room, in a way, it is a giant fingerprint of its owner, it says many things about who lives there. Incredibly and surprisingly, all that neutrality seemed perfectly adequate. People, what really mattered, were simply people. Each with its shape, speech and personality. The cheerful and outgoing, the serious and imposing, the insecure and young. It’s funny that, speaking in that way, they are people we know and live with daily, but not. Each one is so unique in itself that it is difficult to describe exactly, so the qualities that are generic to us are easier to accomplish this task.
The first day. The hardest part, along with the other 2 weeks that follow. How to make? What to do? Because? Excuse. Please. Thanks. Help. Was I wrong? Pardon. That’s better. Understood? Good afternoon. See you tomorrow. When I least realized it, it was past my schedule. I thought, they say that when we do something we like, time goes by very fast. I concluded, yeah … even though I don’t know much yet, I must have liked the service. Even if I spend ten minutes thinking about a sentence, it is ten minutes of pleasure. Pleasure to learn, to discover the whys. I left there straight to the university. Finally, my choice was presenting itself to me in all its intimacy. At first, I only knew her from the outside, I could say that my choice was just a colleague. Not now. Suddenly she appeared with the most obscure secrets, with interesting conversations and with some useful tricks. The friendship between us was forming. And that stimulated me in an absurd way. I wanted to know everything. The what, for what and where. Do you know when we are taken by that feeling of fulfillment, but we cannot control it because what will fill us does not (yet) fit within us? Do you know when we come across something and feel very small and distressed? It was at that moment.
I saw the full breadth of my choice. And it was divine. And it was so right. I had made the right decision. Even with all the people, even with all the vastness of knowledge, even with the tiredness, even with the sleepless nights and the eternal desire to stay in bed on rainy mornings, it filled me. I was on the right path, I thought, on the walk to my classroom. It was okay. That step would be one of the most difficult, one of the most time consuming and one that I would never forget. Funny. There is no better feeling than that when you look back and see all the steps already up. Some think “it was no more than my obligation”, others cry, others smile. I just give that cinematic little smile
I feel grateful. I often say to myself that “after the storm comes the calm”. As much as, in a first impression, this storm has a bad face, I actually like it. It refreshes me, whether with water or wind, it comforts me, whether with the cold or the sound of its drops, it makes my day more beautiful, whether with the drops of dew or the intense blue of the sky.
I want to be able to get to the top of that staircase and say it was worth it. No matter how tired I am. It has to be worth it. Otherwise, what’s the use? Goals, dreams, call it what you want, one hour it appears and looking for it is essential, it is that filling, remember? Ah … I have proof tomorrow, time to read another thousand pages. Good afternoon!